Dancing
So I've been reading Athena's blog, and it got me thinking. See, a lot of her entries talk about following your dreams. In fact, the whole thing is called the Bliss Quest, and that's what it's all about. The latest revelation is that she'd like to move to LA, something she wanted to do when she was younger but that she never did.
So here's my problem. It's not that I'm not living my dream...it's that I don't know what that dream IS. I've always been jealous of people who know exactly what their calling is in life, even if it's something that's going to be difficult or even heartbreaking. At least they know, they can hold that goal up before themselves and say "this is where I'm going, this is what I want".
Me...I've always just sort of let things happen. I work at my job because my friend worked there and got me an interview. I live where I live because it was one of the first houses we checked out to rent, and it works. I do bellydancing because my friend was teaching classes, and my mom was learning as well.
Actually no, I guess that last part isn't true. That's why I started bellydancing, not why I still do it. My friend no longer teaches, my mom's been too busy off and on to go...and yet I still do it. I drive sixty miles round trip every Sunday to go take lessons from a fantastic teacher, and I practice on my own usually around three times a week.
It's not easy for me, dancing. I've never been athletically inclined, or particularly graceful...or even, lets face it, in good shape. I've been overweight my whole life, and the insecurities that brings have never gone away. But that's what I love about bellydancing...nobody cares. It's an art form that celebrates the female body in all its incarnations, beautiful, strong, and yes, sexy. When I'm dancing I feel, if fleetingly, as if I can be those things too.
So I guess...maybe I don't have some huge higher purpose, or some big calling in life. Maybe some day that calling will show up, hit me like a bag full of squirrels, I don't know. But I do know what I'll be doing until then. I'll be dancing.
So here's my problem. It's not that I'm not living my dream...it's that I don't know what that dream IS. I've always been jealous of people who know exactly what their calling is in life, even if it's something that's going to be difficult or even heartbreaking. At least they know, they can hold that goal up before themselves and say "this is where I'm going, this is what I want".
Me...I've always just sort of let things happen. I work at my job because my friend worked there and got me an interview. I live where I live because it was one of the first houses we checked out to rent, and it works. I do bellydancing because my friend was teaching classes, and my mom was learning as well.
Actually no, I guess that last part isn't true. That's why I started bellydancing, not why I still do it. My friend no longer teaches, my mom's been too busy off and on to go...and yet I still do it. I drive sixty miles round trip every Sunday to go take lessons from a fantastic teacher, and I practice on my own usually around three times a week.
It's not easy for me, dancing. I've never been athletically inclined, or particularly graceful...or even, lets face it, in good shape. I've been overweight my whole life, and the insecurities that brings have never gone away. But that's what I love about bellydancing...nobody cares. It's an art form that celebrates the female body in all its incarnations, beautiful, strong, and yes, sexy. When I'm dancing I feel, if fleetingly, as if I can be those things too.
So I guess...maybe I don't have some huge higher purpose, or some big calling in life. Maybe some day that calling will show up, hit me like a bag full of squirrels, I don't know. But I do know what I'll be doing until then. I'll be dancing.
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